The Tower: Part 5: Imbolc
Post #48: In which loss connects ...
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“How has it all changed so much?” Eurydice asked Kunik one evening. “We don’t seem like the same people at all. Is the Yrtym’s breakdown so destructive that all relationships are disintegrating?”
“I don’t think so,” he replied. “I feel the same way about you – closer, if anything. I love Gwelda, and Rose Red, and Artemis. I respect Gabriel more every day. I think the disharmony may be among us, here at Rowan Tree.”
“But we’re mostly the same people. Chattan’s not even here right now, and Seren just arrived.”
“I miss Chattan. I also trust him. I don’t believe he’s the source of any problem.”
“The only other newcomer is Mingan, and he’s been so helpful.”
“He has. I wonder why? He doesn’t seem particularly fond of Gwelda.”
“I noticed that, too. And he seems a bit too fond of Rose Red.”
“Yes. She doesn’t like it, either. He’s a fool if he underestimates Rosie, not to mention Artemis.”
Eurydice sighed. “Maybe the tension will ease once Gwelda has a roof over her head. Heks says her hand is healing.”
“We should finish with another day of hard work,” Kunik assured her. “Gwelda finished the chimney and stone fireplace herself today while we worked on the roof. Gabriel thinks there’s a storm on the way. We’re starting early tomorrow and hope to make the place snug and water-tight before another round of bad weather.”
“That’s good,” said Eurydice, stretching. “I’m worn out. Kunik, I’ve thought and I’ve thought, but I still don’t know what to do about Rowan Gate. After Yggdrasil, I know the key is working together, but with Rowan Tree so fractured I can’t see how to accomplish that. I’m groping for some connection between my initiation into Motherhood and my role as gatekeeper, but it eludes me. All I can think about is Rose Red’s pale face and Artemis’s grief and poor Jan. So much sadness and loss. I wind up thinking about how I can help them, and then I realize what I’m doing and try to refocus on the portal and embodying the Mother. I go around and around and get nowhere.” She twisted her hands together in her lap.
Kunik reached out and took her hands in his. “Slow down,” he said. “Relax and breathe.”
Eurydice sat back in her chair and looked into the fire, letting her hands relax in his. The tears welling in her chest and throat ebbed away.
“You are not alone,” said Kunik. “None of us are alone. We can find a way through this, and we can trust one another, for the most part. Perhaps the answer you’re seeking is already present and you’re too distressed to recognize it. You said you think about Rosie, Artemis and Jan. What do they possess in common?”
“Grief. Loss. Well, not Jan, I suppose, but Gwelda. Rosie’s desperately worried about her oak, and Rowan is gone. She doesn’t talk about him much, but they were lovers, and now she blames herself for grieving his absence. She says she should have known it would end this way – she did know, really. As though that means she wouldn’t feel anything! And then Artemis reappeared with the news of the White Stag’s sacrifice, another terrible blow, but Rosie’s concern is all for Artemis. She doesn’t count her own loss. Yet I can see her suffering, and I know what it is to lose a lover …”
“Yes,” said Kunik. “You do. You know what she’s going through because you, too, have felt that loss.”
“It was so long ago,” said Eurydice quickly. “I don’t think of it now.”
“But you remember the pain of it.”
“Yes. Then there’s Artemis. I know the White Stag’s sacrifice was right, and necessary, but to see him killed right in front of her, and to be prepared to do it herself – how do women have such courage? And then we ate him. That was right, too, but still … Looking back, I wonder how we could have done it. It feels like a strange and rather horrible dream, but when I look at Artemis, I know it was real. How can she ever recover? And it’s unthinkable she should not recover. “
“Yet the White Stag is gone,” Kunik mused. “I wonder who could replace him?”
Eurydice shook her head. “And now here’s Gwelda, a widow, and she and Jan were so happy, so in love …” Eurydice’s voice faltered and she began weeping.
Kunik sat quietly, letting her cry. His calm acceptance of her grief comforted her, and the storm of tears soon passed.
As she wiped her eyes and blew her nose, Kunik said, “At Samhain, Baba Yaga and Hecate initiated some of you into motherhood and some of you into cronehood.”
“Right.”
“The first stage is maidenhood?”
“Yes. I suppose the initiation into that is birth, but the time a woman begins to bleed is important, too.”
“Is every stage mutually exclusive, or does one build on another?”
“I haven’t thought about it,” said Eurydice. She considered, frowning. “I think one must build on another.”
“So, when you were initiated into Motherhood you became Mother as well as Maiden? They can overlap? Or is maidenhood over for you now?”
“No, that doesn’t sound right, that’s it’s over now. The Norns frequently behaved as maidens and mothers too, but they’re definitely crones. We welcome wild maiden energy back right now, in Imbolc.”
“Tell me about wild maiden energy.”
Eurydice felt a stirring of understanding. Kunik knew the cycle well; he didn’t need her to tell him Imbolc’s meaning. He was leading her somewhere, and she began to glimpse what he wanted her to see.
“The Maiden is youthful, passionate energy, disorganized and chaotic. She mirrors the weather this time of year. Capricious, changeable, even dangerous.”
“Is she whole?”
“Yes! Oh, Kunik, I see! She is whole. She’s on the path to creating life with others, but during this phase she’s whole and free to be wild and unthinking. She’s young and selfish and pleases only herself. She’s gathering strength and wisdom for the next part of her journey. The Maiden is what they need to reclaim to heal from their loss and move forward again! That’s what you mean, isn’t it?”
“Not just them, Eurydice. You, too, and don’t forget Maria. Or Heks.”
“Maria … Oh, of course! I’d forgotten she lost her lover, too, and Heks’s husband died, didn’t he? And me, I suppose, but I honestly don’t grieve for Orpheus anymore.”
“Perhaps not, but you know the path from this kind of loss back to finding wholeness with yourself, like the Maiden, before moving on again. Maybe you and Maria can come up with a ritual or ceremony to help these other women express their grief and think about reclaiming their lives as whole women again, even though they’re alone now. You don’t need the whole community. In fact, I think it should just be women who’ve suffered the loss of their mate. Do it at Gwelda’s new place as a housewarming. Involve Rowan Portal somehow. Use what’s happening as a means of repair for each of you individually, the community, the portal and the Yrtym.”
CHAPTER 17
Yet another complication had arrived one cold day in the person of Seren. Eurydice didn’t know about it until Heks mentioned in passing a new guest had arrived. Eurydice would have been hard put to welcome any outsider during such a difficult time, let alone the young poet and musician, whom she remembered from Yggdrasil as petulant and rather vain.
“Why’s he here?” she asked Heks crossly.
“He says he’s heard Rowan Gate is broken, and he’s come to fix it,” said Heks expressionlessly.
“What?” Eurydice set down the bread pan she was buttering with unnecessary force. She and Heks were working in the community kitchen.
Heks repeated herself, smiling.
“What are you up to?” Eurydice asked her. “I see that smile. What’s going on?”
“Pass me the dough, will you? I’ll knead while I tell you. Keep your voice down, though.”
Side by side, kneading the yeasty dough, Heks told Eurydice about Ash and Beatrice and the news they brought from Rapunzel’s lighthouse.
“Gods, Heks, don’t we have enough problems?” Eurydice asked.
“We do. But what if our problems are connected to Seren and Clarissa? He was at Yggdrasil, remember, and Odin brought him. There must have been a reason.”
“I wish I could forget he was there,” said Eurydice, turning the dough with a thump.
“Ash and Beatrice said he told Clarissa and Seren he was the one who repaired the portal at Yggdrasil and helped the Norns. He made quite a story of it,” Heks said.
“Insolent puppy!” said Eurydice. “But he knows you and I know that’s a lie.”
“He doesn’t know we’re here.”
“You’re kidding me!”
Heks grinned.
“You’re positively gleeful!” Eurydice accused.
“I like Clarissa. You will, too. She’s something special. She loves stories and she’s a far more compelling teller than Seren. He does everything he can to keep her quiet, and she lets him. I think Ash and Beatrice are quite right. She’ll find a way to follow him here. Won’t that be interesting?”
“Well, I can’t see how she’ll get here if we can’t repair Rowan Gate. Let’s hope Seren keeps out of the way until after our gathering.”
“Don’t worry about that. He’s quite famous, and several in the community have taken him to their hearts. Including David.”
“He would,” muttered Eurydice. “Good. Maybe he’ll get off Maria’s back if he has a distraction. Has Seren seen you?”
“Nobody sees an old woman,” said Heks serenely.
***
Once Eurydice understood what she wanted to do, she wasted no time. She talked with Maria and Heks, giving them a brief outline of her intentions and asking for ideas. Heks agreed at once with Kunik’s suggestion that the ceremony be limited to a few participants, but Maria, somewhat to Eurydice’s surprise, voiced reluctance.
“I’m not sure it’s a good idea to be so exclusive,” she said. She looked desperately weary and Eurydice noticed lines in her forehead she hadn’t seen before. “Won’t people say we’re being unfair? I don’t want to cause any more problems.”
“You mean David won’t like it,” said Heks flatly.
Maria looked defeated. “If we’re trying to repair community ties, and Rowan Gate, and the Yrtym, shouldn’t we be including everyone in our efforts? Isn’t that the right way to do things?”
“Maria, we tried to do that with Gwelda,” Eurydice reminded her. “You tried. The fact that Rowan Tree is splintering isn’t your fault. Other forces are at work in this. If we invite everyone and David comes, along with other men and women who know nothing of loss, do you imagine we’ll be free to create the kind of ritual and healing I’m talking about? Will you feel safe enough to express your emotions? I won’t.”
“There’s nothing wrong with exclusivity,” said Heks. “This is a particular kind of gathering dealing with particular kinds of loss. We don’t say others can’t gather in groups to give one another spiritual and emotional support. We’re not obliged to invite everyone to every circle we form. Communities are healthier if everyone is not the same and acknowledges it. Many of our activities do involve everyone, storytelling, for example, and growing food.”
“I suddenly feel like I’m failing,” said Maria. “We were so happy here at Rowan Tree in the first couple of years, and I thought we were doing good work together, building something meaningful and sustainable. Now I wonder if I’ve done anything right from the beginning.”
“David would be pleased to hear it,” said Heks. “That’s just what he’s trying to do, demoralize you and break down your power.”
Maria straightened her slumped shoulders and a dark flame of anger flared in her eyes.
“What can I do to help, then?” she asked Eurydice. Heks smiled.
***
Gwelda’s house was finished. It was a simple structure, a long rectangle of birch logs with a high roof to accommodate Gwelda’s size. One end consisted of a stone wall on the outside and a fireplace on the inside with a chimney thrusting up inside the gable end and through the roof. They built the roof of birch logs and laid birch bark slabs over moss and mud chinking.
Although hastily built, it kept out the weather. They’d felled no trees, as downed trees from the autumn gale littered the forest. As Gwelda’s burn healed and her friends’ support eased her grief, she roamed far afield, searching for logs and stones and bringing them back to the work site, where Kunik, Gabriel and the others labored, with Mingan’s frequent assistance. The walls went up quickly, as Gwelda lifted roofing materials up to the builders, saving hours of back-breaking and dangerous work.
The weather held, day after day of cold nights and cloud-frosted winter days with gleams of sun promising Spring’s eventual return. Three weeks after Gwelda’s appearance, her house was ready. She agreed immediately when Eurydice asked if she would hostess a gathering of women to celebrate new beginnings.
Meanwhile, Rowan Tree’s sheep and goats were giving birth, augmenting the community’s winter supplies with an abundance of milk, cheese and butter. Maria, Eurydice, Rose Red and Heks volunteered to assist with baking bread and making cheese and butter during the week before the ritual and set aside generous portions for the gathering. The previous autumn had brought a bumper crop of apples, which they pressed and combined with honey to make hard cider. Kunik and Gabriel delivered a wooden barrel of this to Gwelda, who stood it in a corner of her new home.
Given the community’s attitude toward Gwelda, especially the question of feeding her, none of them felt comfortable sharing Rowan Tree’s meat. Artemis, however, had taken it upon herself to keep Gwelda well fed, and as soon as the building was done Rose Red joined her in spending long days hunting. It was the wrong time of year for hunting, being the season of mating and birth, but they were careful to take older male animals, reasoning that Gwelda could dry and store enough meat to get her through spring and into summer, when food would be more plentiful and her future clearer.
Eurydice felt glad of their companionship. Both Rose Red and Artemis had a worrisome tendency to withdraw into solitude when their experience was difficult, and Eurydice was relieved they turned to each other as they grieved for the White Stag. Grief, Eurydice thought, was best managed with friends.
On the evening of the gathering, Eurydice asked everyone to meet at Gwelda’s new home. The days lengthened as the light returned, so Maria and Heks left Rowan Tree unobtrusively, bundled in their cloaks, as though setting out for a late walk. They attracted no comment. Eurydice and Rose Red lived above Rowan Tree, in the forest’s fringe, their comings and goings unobserved. Artemis had stayed with Rose Red since she arrived.
As the day waned, but well before dark, Eurydice tucked a shallow wooden bowl under her arm and made her way to Gwelda’s house, which looked like something out of a fairytale, a house built from forest bones by elves or dryads. Warm light shone from the windows and she smelled wood smoke from the chimney.
In response to her knock, the door was flung open and she found herself face to face with Baubo, who stepped forward and took Eurydice in her arms, stifling her startled exclamation.
“Lovely girl! So good to see you!”
Eurydice returned her embrace enthusiastically. One needn’t hold back with Baubo. For a moment she put aside her role as Mother and relaxed into the embrace of a far older, wiser and more loving mother than she could ever hope to be. When she stepped away, she felt renewed and refreshed. She was not alone.
Gwelda, Maria, Heks and, unexpectedly, Persephone were gathered around the mammoth fireplace. Eurydice was glad to see Persephone’s improved looks. At the Samhain ritual she had appeared almost haggard, but now she glowed with health, her corn-colored hair thick and rich and her eyes shining.
They hadn’t met since being initiated into Motherhood together and greeted one another like old friends.
Gwelda looked better, too. She was clean and combed. Her burned hand no longer required bandaging and shiny pink skin covered what had been a blistered, weeping wound. Kunik had made her knitting needles and she’d knitted herself a long wooly sweater in glaring shades of orange, red and pink. Her round freckled face wore a wide smile and Eurydice could see she felt pleased and proud to be able to give back to those who had recently done so much for her.
Another knock on the door indicated the arrival of Rose Red and Artemis, both with bundles. Baubo swept them inside, embracing each in turn. She locked and barred the door, greetings were exchanged, and they sat in a circle on a rug Maria had woven in front of the fire.
Eurydice felt nervous. She hadn’t led a ceremony before. Surely Baubo, Artemis or even Persephone were better suited? Maria was their leader – wasn’t it her place to take charge? Expectantly, they watched and waited for her to say something. She took a deep breath.
“I want to …” she began. “I thought …” Rose Red smiled at her with trust and affection. Her trust wasn’t easily earned; Eurydice knew how often she felt outcast and isolated and how overwhelmed she felt by her sensitivity and passion. She wanted to help Rose Red; that had been one of her motivations as she planned this night.
She straightened her shoulders and back and began again. “I’ve called this circle to help one another with personal loss and grief. This is Imbolc, the season of purification and return to the belly, the womb and the earth. It’s the season of the wild Maiden and new beginnings. We also face the fraying of the Yrtym, and we’re learning healing and repairing that injury occurs when people come together in unity and connection. It’s my hope we can support one another in our grief and find a way through it into new beginnings with the wild Maiden, whole and complete in herself, and also repair Rowan Portal so it can once again connect us with others on Webbd. “
Eurydice paused, half expecting some kind of protest or words of doubt or resistance, but Maria nodded approvingly, Baubo smiled, and Gwelda’s pine green eyes fixed on her like those of an adoring dog. She felt both humbled and elated. It was going to be all right.